Be my boyfriend?
Circle Yes** or No.
**There’s a few things you should know. For starters, I’m an irregular person. I have an irregular heartbeat—which isn’t really a problem most of the time—and an irregular menstrual cycle—which also isn’t a problem unless you consider thinking you’re pregnant all the time a problem. I buy a lot of pregnancy tests. The Walgreens lady knows me, probably thinks I’m a giant slut, but joke’s on her because I’ve never had sex. I was just raised Catholic so I know all about Immaculate Conception. I also have a job working at my uncle’s bait shop, which is how I pay for all the pregnancy tests. It’s pretty much selling worms to old, toothless guys, but it defies gender stereotypes, and that’s important. It’s not like I don’t shave my pits or anything; I just hate when people tell me what to do. Besides, Victoria’s Secret bras don’t fit me right because I have a broad back, so there’s no point in working there anyway. If you like fishing, I can get you a discount on bait is basically what I’m saying. Something I will never say, though, is the word ‘moist.’ And I don’t want you to say it either. Ever. Other words you can’t say around me include: kumquat, fiddle-faddle, phlegm and Halloween. I won’t tell you why you can’t say that last one until I know you a little better, but let’s just say I pretty much have PTSD when it comes to Halloween. I looked up the symptoms for PTSD online, and I have at least six-and a-half out of ten. I like the Internet, which isn’t too strange, I guess. Lots of people like the Internet. My favorite thing to do is look up different kinds of dating websites—UglyBugBall.com, STDmatch.net, AmputeeDate.com. Those are all real, by the way. I’m not a liar. I’m really honest, super duper honest. Probably because of my Catholic upbringing, which I think I already mentioned. But back to the dating sites, I like looking at them because I like knowing that there’s someone out there for everyone, even if you’re an absolute freakazoid. Which I’m not. I’m just a little irregular. I think I already mentioned that, too. Long story short, I like that you don’t pretend to hate Shakespeare when all the other boys in Mr. Hoffacker’s class do, and I remember we had cupcakes for your birthday on May 3rd, which makes you a Taurus. I’m a Cancer. If you don’t know anything about zodiac signs, that means we’re compatible. I’m not sure I’ve listed every reason why we should date, but I think I’ve hit all the important ones. I hope you say yes, but if you say no, I’ll still give you a one-time discount at the bait shop for liking Shakespeare. It’s the one on Laurel Ave. Even if you don’t fish, it’s kind of fun to have a cup full of worms.
Liz Breen is a writer living in Boston whose work has appeared on such shows as Sesame Street, WordGirl and Phantom Gourmet and in magazines including Columbia's Catch & Release and Cleaver Magazine. She holds an MFA from Vermont College of Fine Arts. You can find her online at lizbreen.com.